I feel like all my Thai drama experience has lead me to this single drama - Push being in the first Thai drama I had ever watched U-Prince, Baifern being in My Dear Warrior (the first drama I ever dropped :( ), Ton in the last Thai drama I watched Hua Jai Sila, and lastly, Saint being in my favorite remake Thai drama Let's Fight Ghost. Every time I would go research more into the actors/actresses, this film would always pop up and to be honest, I was scared to start it.

From the get go, I want to say that the main character does fall in love with her uncle, but he isn't blood related. I knew Thai dramas go harder than other dramas, so I was honestly scared to start this and have to root for a relationship that made me uncomfortable. Saying that though, there was a level of that still. Maybe it was me just coming off of Hua Jai Sila and this insane plot of revenge, that I was expecting something similar. Also, maybe it was because I was watching this on youtube, and the subtitles weren't fantastic. I wasn't sure what Nira was trying to accomplish when she decided to come back to Bangkok as a woman, when the last time she was there, she was a 10 year old boy escaping with her mom from an abusive home life. There was a lot of guess work in trying to fill in the blanks.

So here is what I came up with;

This is a story about a girl named Nira who was born in a body that did not feel like her own and was beaten and yelled at by her father who wouldn't accept her femininity. After a long battle, she finally escapes with her mother to London, where they live happily and decide to have a sex change surgery. (Still not 100% if it was her idea or her mothers?) During recovery, her mother dies in a car crash in which Nira decides to go back to Bangkok and get revenge on her father.... by becoming a starlet and beating her father and aunt at their own game(?). She also comes back to be with her aunt's husband, who was the only person apart from her mother that treater her well growing up. Through this process, she makes an enemy of her aunt Rungrong and startlet Manow, her father wants to sleep with her, and Chat falls in love with her. And this drama is basically a story about Nira's journey of coming to terms with her mental health - even if it comes at the very end.

And to be completely honest, as much as I wanted a romantic happily ever after, I believe the ending we got was necessary. There was so much unhealthy baggage being stacked on top of one another in every episode that once we got to the end... if there was a "happy ending," the drama would have been one big plot hole. That being said, we did get a happy ending for each character in some way - Chat finally stood up for himself instead of deteriorating in his marriage or needing a "real" reason to ask for divorce; Dr Ben learned to open his heart to people after his wife's death; Chom learned to be sympathetic to his son and realizing that the life he "attempted" to save him from, he had actually had a hand in creating; and Nira learned that something was seriously wrong mentally and that she needed to seek help.

& Nira was a force in everyone's life, helping them realize that they wanted more out of life. Which is also what she wanted, but didn't know how to get there. She wanted badly to be healed instantly, that she didn't put in the real work. And if there is anything I can do to convince you to watch this drama, it is for the final 10-20 minutes. That scene was super intense and heartbreaking.

For the things that I didn't understand was the ending. I didn't understand that shift in character of Chom & Rung. It was like the moment they had found out who Nira was, they all of a sudden pulled a 180 and wanted to hug and celebrate her. Given, they had found out that their son and nephew was alive... but at the same time, they never cared or reacted when they thought he had died. Shoot, the day of their funeral Chom brought other women and Rung didn't even want to be there except to promote her bar, and neither one of them helped spread their ashes. The only person who helped was Chat who throughout the drama struggled with the death of Chan - Nira's 10 year old self. Knowing this, it made the drama uncomfortable, not knowing what Nira was going to do. Willingly be okay with dating this man who didn't know he was falling in love with this boy he helped raise and thought was dead. It wasn't until the end where I knew it was going to go south, when he was trying to calm her down in the last scene when he found out who she was, and just not knowing how he felt. That was one thing I disliked about this drama was well - we didn't really know much of what people were thinking except that they were mad, where we didn't know how they would react when they inevitably found out about Nira. And it was heartbreaking because I didn't know if what Chat was saying was real to her or just to calm her down. But the moment he said that he loved her and wanted to still get married, but he also loves Chan more than he loves Nira because he saw him as his own son....I flipped out, not knowing what to think with that statement. And it ties in with my original question and confusion - was Nira's sex change apart of a plot to hide away from her father? or did she get it because she wanted to live in a body that matched the way she felt on the inside? Maybe it was the subtitles again, but during this "intervention" at the end, it really made it sound like Chom & Chat were apologizing for making her feel like she had to go through this sex change and that they loved Chan their son. There was a lot of confusion with that intervention and I would like to think it was just a confusion with the direct translation on youtube.

Regardless, there was somewhat of an open ending and I really enjoyed reading the theories in previous reviews. I like to think that Nira went back to London to get the help that she needed in order to fully understand who she is and who she wants to be without feeling the need to hurt others or be better. Not this 10 year old boy who felt like he needed to get revenge for his mother. I also like to believe that the distance was completely necessary in order for Chat to be on his own to heal from his abusive marriage and from the death and "reresection" of a boy he loved like a son, and now needs to figure out if that love is something he is willing to accept into his heart.

The feeling that I got from the ending was that everyone had nothing but time to wait for the people they love to heal completely.