A Lonely Cow Weeps at Dawn (2003)

I threw myself on the sword.

The lewd, provocative synopsis of the film is diabolical to say the least and I found myself shaking my head at the fact the film existed. Not just as a straight up pornographic film, but as an honest to goodness attempt at creating an erotic movie with a worthwhile storyline, plot, and characters.

What prompted me to work up the courage to spend the 39 minutes needed to consume this piece of media was that it screened at two film festivals, one in USA and one in France, receiving somewhat positive reviews at both.

This move is exactly the type of low budget 'misunderstood' arthouse movie that pompous, wannabe movie critics would latch onto and laud as some sort of triumph and breakthrough in what is considered acceptable in cinema. I fully expect it to show up on the Youtube algorithm one day where a dozen movie review channels suddenly begin to talk about it because their algorithm dictates that it would get enough clicks to warrant the time.

Everything about this movie sucks. For something billed as 'erotic' I was sure left afterwards wondering where on earth this eroticism was, there was none of it in this movie. To the right person a woman pretending to be a cow(yes, she even moos), having her breasts 'milked' would be highly erotic, but maybe I am just not that guy because watching an old man feel up a womans breasts whilst she is surrounded by cow dung, and cows covered in dung, just aint exciting me. You know?

People who like this type of movie will always have an excuse as to why it's great and why you are a rube for hating it. They'll use every excuse in the book, and eventually arrive at saying that the fact you were prompted to watch it means the movie succeeded.

The classic cry of someone who has no standards and enjoys things 'ironically'.

If this movie were just pornography then it would have some merit by virtue of understanding what it was and being honest about it. But this film is no merit and no virtue. It sucks, and anybody who might pretend it has merit sucks. Yes I'm mad.

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